One year ago today, our day started out as any other day. Then, while the kids and I were at the pool, we got the call that changed our family forever. Maggie was in China waiting for us. I could have never predicted how far we would come in a year. Paperwork, waiting, a 17 day trip to China, getting acclimated to a family of 6, a major surgery, lots of appointments and an immeasurable amount of JOY brought by our tiny little baby! It's amazing what blessings come from saying YES!!!
Tidbits of our crazy, happy life with our energetic boys and beautiful daughters!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Happy Gotcha Day Allie!!! Home 3 Years
Three years ago today, Allie joined our family. How lucky are we to get to be her forever family! I'll never forget how we just KNEW each other from the very first second. Happy Gotcha Day Allison Hee Young!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Boating Scares & Adventures - Full Circle
I realized I never posted this. Last year we had a terrible scare while out boating and here's what I wrote after, but never posted. We got back on the boat yesterday for the first time since then.
Written August 2013:
Boating has always been a part of my kids' lives. My dad has an awesome boat and we love spending summer days and evenings on the lake. They love just going for a ride, jumping off the edge into the water, swimming, tubing, fishing...they love the whole experience.
A couple weeks ago we were enjoying a beautiful, quiet Thursday evening on the boat. The boat was running great and we had no worries.
We had swam for a while, then were getting arranged to go tubing. Sam was in the tube in the water. Boat gets turned on to go and it revs up really high despite being at idle. We smelled gas very strongly. After turning it off and giving it an inspection, figuring it was just a fluke thing, boat is turned on again. In a matter of seconds, the motor bursts into flames. Almost instantly the cover of the motor explodes off and up into the air, literally sky high, a ball of flames. I remember watching the flaming cover up in the air, not knowing if it was going to land on us in the boat or back on Sam who was alone in the tube in the water. I jumped in the water; all I could think was that Sam was alone and if it hit him or landed near him on fire, I had to get there. Ben says that as I was jumping in I screamed for him to get out of the boat. Thankfully, the cover landed in the water a ways away from all of us, still flaming for a while until it sunk. I got to Sam, then Ben swam to me, in tears. Meanwhile, I tell Dad to throw Allie in. She had her life jacket on and is a (crazy) good swimmer; she swam to me as well. Meanwhile, the motor is still on fire. We didn't know what had just happened or if the whole boat was going to catch on fire. I was able to shove Ben and Allie up into the tube with Sam. I remember them just clinging to the edge of the tube staring at their dad and grandpa trying to put the fire out. I had no life jacket on (we make our kids wear them the entire time, but usually us adults don't put them on unless we get in the water. Needless to say that didn't cross my mind at the time.) and was starting to really tire from the swim, and I kept kicking and pulling the tube away from the back of the boat, as it kept drifting in towards the fire.
Jeremy grabs the fire extinguisher and empties it. Still flames. Thankfully my dad always keeps a 5 gallon bucket in the back of his boat, so Jeremy scooped 12-15 buckets of water on the motor and finally got the fire out. Then they cut the cord to the battery so it couldn't get power anymore. They throw me a life jacket and there we are. In the middle of a nearly empty cove and a broken boat. I sincerely thought people were going to flock to us to help. There was a loud boom when it caught on fire and a ball of fire in the air and a boat with flames shooting off the back. But no one came.
Jeremy called 911 and we waited to be rescued. The last thing I wanted was to put my kids back on the boat, but we didn't fit in the park ranger's boat, so we all had to pile back into the boat and be towed to the nearest dock, which wasn't where we parked. There were a bunch of firemen waiting for us. We were all okay, just very shaken up. Ben and I were the worst; we were shaking so badly and I really thought I was going to be sick. The thought of what could have happened to my babies still makes me sick.
But we were perfectly fine, not a scratch. We were being watched over that night, without a doubt.
A ranger drove Jeremy around to the other dock where the van was, and my dad spent a long time filing a report on the incident. Hours later we finally made it home, exhausted but safe and so thankful.
After some research, we found that this crazy, fluke thing has happened to others. Very rare, but it has happened, almost in the exact same way. Right now we're waiting for estimates and insurance company to help us figure things out from here. We're definitely done boating for this year!
The kids were SO good. They did exactly what we told them to do. And we've said we are not afraid of boats or water. We're so thankful for their life jackets and that they're good swimmers.
It's a funny thing what happens in an emergency. Jeremy and Dad were immediately working on putting the fire out, while I was in momma bear mode; I literally was fiercely determined to get my kids safe and barely gave a thought to Jeremy and Dad. Sorry guys!! We all did our thing to get safe without even having to assign tasks.
That night our lives could have changed forever. But so many things happened in our favor.
The wind could have been blowing the opposite direction, shooting the flames and cover into the boat and onto us.
My Dad could have been out there alone with no help, as he has done many times before.
It could have been my dad with my sister and her kids, as it was the week before. Jeremy was the firefighter and he did a great job. He is almost unshakeable.
If we didn't have that 5 gallon bucket to put out the fire, I don't know what could have happened.
The entire boat could have caught on fire.
But those things didn't happen. We had the best possible scenario for a terrible, terrible fluke accident.
Here's a picture of the boat from last summer, with the top up.
The rangers gave the kids their own badges for being so brave. Let me tell you, they are serious about those badges. Here they are after, with their badges on. The cove behind them is where the incident occurred.
Here's a picture from last summer of us on the boat. You can see just how close we are to the motor.
This was no small fire. It was shooting flames, a ball of fire in the sky, an explosion. It was like something out of a movie. There are no words to describe the sound, the sight, the smell of gas. Yet after, the boat itself was unscathed, and the motor (pictured here), you can barely tell it had been on fire.
We will boat again. It was a fluke accident. Please don't take this as a reason to never go boating. Teach your kids to swim. Make them wear life jackets on the lake. And I'm sure we'll reconsider our adult life jacket policy from here on out and have ours on all the time too!
At the end of the night, we got to see a beautiful sunset and take my babies home safe and sound.
June 7, 2014
Despite the scare last summer, we got back on the boat on Saturday. New, safe motor and lots more fun to be had. It was also Maggie's first time on the boat!
Good view of the new motor... it's white this time.
Although the boat's motor did great, ironically the motor on this remote control boat that the kids were playing with started smoking and died! We just had to laugh at the irony....
Back at grandpas.... playing in their underwear. Yay for summer!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
Misconceptions - Coming Clean
One of the reasons I write this blog is to keep track of our family life. I no longer have time to do scrapbooks or write much down... but for some reason this method works for me. Someday when the kids are grown, we'll be able to look back through this time together and remember.
Another reason why I write is in hope to spread the passion of adoption. With 147, 000, 000 orphans, I hope to show how adoption is really possible, doable and such a blessing.
So I write. Mostly I write the highlights and include my favorite pictures. I write the details for Maggie's cleft issues for other cleft mommas. I document our families activities.
However, I've been holding back quite a bit. About one thing.
Allie.
And it's time to come clean.
After a lot of thought and prayer, I'm feeling strongly that it's time to share the truth. I've held back for so many reasons. I want to protect her privacy. I don't want to discourage anyone from adoption. It's hard for me to admit when I'm lost.
But it's also become too big of a secret to hold in anymore.
Allie has been home with us for almost 3 years. We love our girl more than words. Our experience with her joining our family changed us profoundly for the good and we can't imagine her not being a part of us.
She has come so far in so many ways. She's over-the-top smart. She's stunningly beautiful. She's loving to a fault.
But oh how this girl struggles. Has always struggled.
From the beginning, she has had a very intense personality. She struggles greatly to control her emotions. Crying, fits, tantrums.... sometimes all day long. But at first, she was a baby. She was newly adopted. She was overwhelmed and we expected all this. And then she was a toddler. Toddlers act out. So we waited. We waited for her to mature, to get a grip on her emotions.
3 years later, it's not gotten better, it has in fact it has gotten worse. We finally decided not to wait anymore, and are seeking help from a professional. This counselor works at our international adoption center and her job is to work with kiddos like Allie, who have been adopted and are struggling in some way. This is where we first heard the term "emotionally delayed". And that's a very good description for her.
She has no control over her emotions. She is almost 4 years old. She screams, she fits, she tantrums. Sometimes all day long. She can snap at the drop of a hat. Over simple things like brushing teeth, putting on shoes, eating. She screams and screams and screams. There is no stopping her once she has started. It's over the top. It's persistent. It's completely and totally exhausting, draining and overwhelming.
She needs to have her way. She needs to have the control. She needs to have the attention all the time. She needs to be the one being held, running the conversation, etc. Which is not possible in a big family.... and also not what's best for her. This affects her behavior big time. She acts out. She lies. She spits in our face. She hits and kicks. She steals toys and food. She is constantly poking, picking and instigating. And then she is SHOCKED that there are consequences for this behavior. And so she screams some more. She rarely plays on her own; she spends her days following me and her siblings around either waiting for attention or creating ways to get the attention in any way she can. These types of behaviors can be normal for kids her age - all kids act out sometimes. We know that. But what is not normal is the FREQUENCY and INTENSITY. It goes way beyond normal.
These behaviors are only with people in authority to her. So to friends, family members, etc. she comes off as positively darling. A charmer. Jeremy and I have the hard job of setting boundaries and maintaining expectations, so we bear the brunt of her behavior. Although she is attached to us, loves us, is bonded with us, that attachment comes with the fear that someday we're not going to be there for her anymore. And that creates a ton of anxiety for her and stress and desperate need for attention.
It would be easier for us to let her have her way, to not put our foot down. But what kind of person will she become if she grows up believing she should be allowed to act however she wants and always get her way? We don't want that for any of our kids. We have to show her boundaries and follow through on our expectations, all-the-while constantly reinforcing that we aren't going anywhere, that we love her no matter what.
These issues have always been there for her. Our counselor describes it this way: Kiddos who are adopted have a "hole in their heart", that place for biological family and family history and knowing where you come from. She has no way to fill that hole, no matter how much love and attention we pour into her. It's not our hole to fill. Some kids cope very well with that hole there; in fact most adopted kiddos we know do not have issues like this. So far, Maggie seems to be more easy-going. But for some, it profoundly affects daily life. Allie is struggling oh so much with that hole in her heart. She doesn't know how to cope with it, handle it, express it. And so she screams and acts out. She picks fights, she does anything she can to get attention, even negative attention.
And since Maggie came home, it's gotten worse. Understandably. We expected it. I mean, for a kid who craves all the attention, having a new baby come home, share your room, and have special needs that requires so much care really rocks your world. We get it.
But it's SO SO hard.
The absolute hardest part is that people don't believe us. People just tell us it's her age. She's a girl and girls are more dramatic. All true. But I've had 3 year olds before. I spent my teenage years babysitting. I've spent my entire adult life either working with or taking care of young children.
This goes way beyond normal.
Another barrier to people understanding is that when they see her, they are struck by her cuteness, her beauty. And when she cries, they think something terrible has happened to her. They are not able to see what's really going on because of how she looks. They think she can do no wrong. They think the baby talk she has reverted back to is cute.
Let's get real people.
Cute will only get you so far in life, and it's certainly not what I want to carry her through life.
The other thing that is so hard is that we don't get a break from it. This is my life, my job. It's 24-7. And it's taking its toll on all of us. The boys are exhausted from her constantly picking, constantly screaming. They don't want to be around her. I can't imagine what Maggie is thinking. Jeremy and I are drained. Thankfully, he and I are a great team, but even great teams get tired and need a break, and we don't get that.
The extent of her behavior, her emotions, is not normal. They are absolutely having a significant impact on our daily lives. Nearly every meal results in screaming. Getting ready for the day, playtime, bedtime, going to brother's ball games, going to the grocery... often results in severe disobedience and then screaming a good chunk of the time. It has become very hard for us to simply enjoy life.
When we try to talk to her about it, question her about her choices and give her an opportunity to respond, she often goes into "shut down mode". Her expression completely goes blank and she won't respond. It's like she has checked out. The counselor says this is because her processing time is much slower and she cannot respond in a normal way in a normal amount of time.
We are trying so hard. We love her so much. But it's really hard to like her right now.
Somehow over the years, I've written in such a way to give people the impression that things are perfect here. That we're this amazing family, that, as someone told me the other day, "we have everything together."
Oh, we so don't. We are weak. We are tired. We are so, so weary. There's only so long we can keep up the facade and I'm done now.
So there it is. She is struggling. We are struggling. We have put this on the back burner for so long, as we prepared for China, went to China, recovered from China, prepared for surgery, recovered from surgery... and now we're picking up the pieces and trying to make it better.
We are seeking help, but progress is slow going. We're engaging in daily "play therapy" at home which involves me spending one-on-one time in a certain, scripted way with her every day, with no interruptions.
Um, hello. I have a new baby who screams when she's not being held and 2 boys who need attention as well. Not easy at all. We're supposed to go to counseling once a week... which involves time away from work for Jeremy, arranging childcare for everyone else... it's so much.
So we're asking for your support. We're asking for you to try to understand.
Please do not tell me how cute she is when she is screaming. Please do not tell me it's the age, she's a girl.
Please understand that she was born into unusual circumstances and she is reacting to that in a way that is not healthy for her or for all of us. And she needs help. We need help. We don't want this to be our normal forever. We fear for her. We fear that if this starvation for attention continues, she'll seek out attention in very scary ways as she gets older.
This is real life. We still are PASSIONATE about adoption. In fact, we proceeded with a special needs adoption DESPITE these issues. We believe everyone can do their part to help kiddos without families. These kids need families who are willing to go in the trenches with them and fight their way out. I hope our experience demonstrates just how desperately kids need a family to go to bat for them; I hope more families step up to open their homes and hearts to these kids.
We have no regrets, we love our girls. They are OURS, and just as parents would do anything for their biological children, we'll do anything for our adopted children as well. Despite the struggles, they are such BLESSINGS. I absolutely believe in my girls and know they are going to be fabulous, amazing women someday. I hope one day Allie will read this and see that we did all we could to help her.
So we are in survival mode,and have been for a long time. And to keep it real, we needed to come clean.
Another reason why I write is in hope to spread the passion of adoption. With 147, 000, 000 orphans, I hope to show how adoption is really possible, doable and such a blessing.
So I write. Mostly I write the highlights and include my favorite pictures. I write the details for Maggie's cleft issues for other cleft mommas. I document our families activities.
However, I've been holding back quite a bit. About one thing.
Allie.
And it's time to come clean.
After a lot of thought and prayer, I'm feeling strongly that it's time to share the truth. I've held back for so many reasons. I want to protect her privacy. I don't want to discourage anyone from adoption. It's hard for me to admit when I'm lost.
But it's also become too big of a secret to hold in anymore.
Allie has been home with us for almost 3 years. We love our girl more than words. Our experience with her joining our family changed us profoundly for the good and we can't imagine her not being a part of us.
She has come so far in so many ways. She's over-the-top smart. She's stunningly beautiful. She's loving to a fault.
But oh how this girl struggles. Has always struggled.
From the beginning, she has had a very intense personality. She struggles greatly to control her emotions. Crying, fits, tantrums.... sometimes all day long. But at first, she was a baby. She was newly adopted. She was overwhelmed and we expected all this. And then she was a toddler. Toddlers act out. So we waited. We waited for her to mature, to get a grip on her emotions.
3 years later, it's not gotten better, it has in fact it has gotten worse. We finally decided not to wait anymore, and are seeking help from a professional. This counselor works at our international adoption center and her job is to work with kiddos like Allie, who have been adopted and are struggling in some way. This is where we first heard the term "emotionally delayed". And that's a very good description for her.
She has no control over her emotions. She is almost 4 years old. She screams, she fits, she tantrums. Sometimes all day long. She can snap at the drop of a hat. Over simple things like brushing teeth, putting on shoes, eating. She screams and screams and screams. There is no stopping her once she has started. It's over the top. It's persistent. It's completely and totally exhausting, draining and overwhelming.
She needs to have her way. She needs to have the control. She needs to have the attention all the time. She needs to be the one being held, running the conversation, etc. Which is not possible in a big family.... and also not what's best for her. This affects her behavior big time. She acts out. She lies. She spits in our face. She hits and kicks. She steals toys and food. She is constantly poking, picking and instigating. And then she is SHOCKED that there are consequences for this behavior. And so she screams some more. She rarely plays on her own; she spends her days following me and her siblings around either waiting for attention or creating ways to get the attention in any way she can. These types of behaviors can be normal for kids her age - all kids act out sometimes. We know that. But what is not normal is the FREQUENCY and INTENSITY. It goes way beyond normal.
These behaviors are only with people in authority to her. So to friends, family members, etc. she comes off as positively darling. A charmer. Jeremy and I have the hard job of setting boundaries and maintaining expectations, so we bear the brunt of her behavior. Although she is attached to us, loves us, is bonded with us, that attachment comes with the fear that someday we're not going to be there for her anymore. And that creates a ton of anxiety for her and stress and desperate need for attention.
It would be easier for us to let her have her way, to not put our foot down. But what kind of person will she become if she grows up believing she should be allowed to act however she wants and always get her way? We don't want that for any of our kids. We have to show her boundaries and follow through on our expectations, all-the-while constantly reinforcing that we aren't going anywhere, that we love her no matter what.
These issues have always been there for her. Our counselor describes it this way: Kiddos who are adopted have a "hole in their heart", that place for biological family and family history and knowing where you come from. She has no way to fill that hole, no matter how much love and attention we pour into her. It's not our hole to fill. Some kids cope very well with that hole there; in fact most adopted kiddos we know do not have issues like this. So far, Maggie seems to be more easy-going. But for some, it profoundly affects daily life. Allie is struggling oh so much with that hole in her heart. She doesn't know how to cope with it, handle it, express it. And so she screams and acts out. She picks fights, she does anything she can to get attention, even negative attention.
And since Maggie came home, it's gotten worse. Understandably. We expected it. I mean, for a kid who craves all the attention, having a new baby come home, share your room, and have special needs that requires so much care really rocks your world. We get it.
But it's SO SO hard.
The absolute hardest part is that people don't believe us. People just tell us it's her age. She's a girl and girls are more dramatic. All true. But I've had 3 year olds before. I spent my teenage years babysitting. I've spent my entire adult life either working with or taking care of young children.
This goes way beyond normal.
Another barrier to people understanding is that when they see her, they are struck by her cuteness, her beauty. And when she cries, they think something terrible has happened to her. They are not able to see what's really going on because of how she looks. They think she can do no wrong. They think the baby talk she has reverted back to is cute.
Let's get real people.
Cute will only get you so far in life, and it's certainly not what I want to carry her through life.
The other thing that is so hard is that we don't get a break from it. This is my life, my job. It's 24-7. And it's taking its toll on all of us. The boys are exhausted from her constantly picking, constantly screaming. They don't want to be around her. I can't imagine what Maggie is thinking. Jeremy and I are drained. Thankfully, he and I are a great team, but even great teams get tired and need a break, and we don't get that.
The extent of her behavior, her emotions, is not normal. They are absolutely having a significant impact on our daily lives. Nearly every meal results in screaming. Getting ready for the day, playtime, bedtime, going to brother's ball games, going to the grocery... often results in severe disobedience and then screaming a good chunk of the time. It has become very hard for us to simply enjoy life.
When we try to talk to her about it, question her about her choices and give her an opportunity to respond, she often goes into "shut down mode". Her expression completely goes blank and she won't respond. It's like she has checked out. The counselor says this is because her processing time is much slower and she cannot respond in a normal way in a normal amount of time.
We are trying so hard. We love her so much. But it's really hard to like her right now.
Somehow over the years, I've written in such a way to give people the impression that things are perfect here. That we're this amazing family, that, as someone told me the other day, "we have everything together."
Oh, we so don't. We are weak. We are tired. We are so, so weary. There's only so long we can keep up the facade and I'm done now.
So there it is. She is struggling. We are struggling. We have put this on the back burner for so long, as we prepared for China, went to China, recovered from China, prepared for surgery, recovered from surgery... and now we're picking up the pieces and trying to make it better.
We are seeking help, but progress is slow going. We're engaging in daily "play therapy" at home which involves me spending one-on-one time in a certain, scripted way with her every day, with no interruptions.
Um, hello. I have a new baby who screams when she's not being held and 2 boys who need attention as well. Not easy at all. We're supposed to go to counseling once a week... which involves time away from work for Jeremy, arranging childcare for everyone else... it's so much.
So we're asking for your support. We're asking for you to try to understand.
Please do not tell me how cute she is when she is screaming. Please do not tell me it's the age, she's a girl.
Please understand that she was born into unusual circumstances and she is reacting to that in a way that is not healthy for her or for all of us. And she needs help. We need help. We don't want this to be our normal forever. We fear for her. We fear that if this starvation for attention continues, she'll seek out attention in very scary ways as she gets older.
This is real life. We still are PASSIONATE about adoption. In fact, we proceeded with a special needs adoption DESPITE these issues. We believe everyone can do their part to help kiddos without families. These kids need families who are willing to go in the trenches with them and fight their way out. I hope our experience demonstrates just how desperately kids need a family to go to bat for them; I hope more families step up to open their homes and hearts to these kids.
We have no regrets, we love our girls. They are OURS, and just as parents would do anything for their biological children, we'll do anything for our adopted children as well. Despite the struggles, they are such BLESSINGS. I absolutely believe in my girls and know they are going to be fabulous, amazing women someday. I hope one day Allie will read this and see that we did all we could to help her.
So we are in survival mode,and have been for a long time. And to keep it real, we needed to come clean.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
6 Months
Six months ago, Maggie was placed in my arms for the first time.
What a difference. She is our joy!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Teeth, Ears and.... Eyes? (We Got 2 out of 3)
We can check 3 more appointments off our list for Maggie: dental, ENT & eye doc. Well sort of.
Here's what we found out.
Dental
Teeth are as good as can be expected at this point.
She will need major dental work over her childhood to position her teeth correctly.
Brushing is crucial for her, as cleft kiddos are more prone to decay.
For now we just keep an eye on her teeth & mouth. Around age 3, we'll start to determine how speech comes into play and if further surgeries are needed to help aid her speech development.
Go back in 6 months.
Hearing/Audiology
Tubes look GREAT!
Hearing test went flawless-no tears and she heard and responded to everything perfectly!!!
Go back in 6 months.
Side note: This was a huge difference from last attempt a few months ago: The 1st go-around she didn't respond to the sounds in part because she couldn't hear them (we believe she really had significant hearing loss due to the amount of fluid in her ears), and also because she was stuck in that crib alone and didn't KNOW to respond to noises. Heartbreaking. I actually had tears running down my cheeks during this 2nd hearing test. In the back of our head, tucked away behind our more pressing needs of her surgery, we were worried she had true hearing loss. To know that she can now hear well was amazing. She was interactive and responsive and SO DIFFERENT than she was a few months ago. I was so overjoyed at how far she had come. Yet it was also bittersweet because how simple was it to place tubes in her ears to allow her to hear better and give her the family she deserves so she knows to respond... there are MILLIONS of kids who will never get this and it makes me so sad.
Vision
Appointment failure. Not because she can't see, but because she didn't cooperate. At all. She screamed. And screamed. We tried to pry her eyes open and they were rolled back into her head!! All the while Sam & Allie were manically pushing each other around in the stroller in the tiny exam room and laughing hysterically.
Somehow through all that the eye doc was able to see that she can see well and her eye muscles are working well. But she was not able to see her retina or the back of her eye at all to get a general feel for her eye health. However, we have no reason to be concerned, so we'll wait.
Go back in 6 months and try again.
Common theme: all is well for now, come back in 6 months. So far here is our list of appointments for the fall:
2 year checkup
plastic surgeon
dentist
ENT/audiologist
eye doc
Coming up: We're getting close to our 6 month gotcha anniversary and 6 months homecoming anniversary! Our social worker comes tonight to check in and write our 6 month follow-up report, which will be submitted to China.
Maggie also has a follow-up appointment at the adoption clinic in a few weeks, they oversee her care and we'll check in with them to see the big picture, which we think looks pretty good for her right now.
Other than that and our Help Me Grow speech/language visits once or twice a month, appointments should slow down for her for a while. I hope!
Here's what we found out.
Dental
Teeth are as good as can be expected at this point.
She will need major dental work over her childhood to position her teeth correctly.
Brushing is crucial for her, as cleft kiddos are more prone to decay.
For now we just keep an eye on her teeth & mouth. Around age 3, we'll start to determine how speech comes into play and if further surgeries are needed to help aid her speech development.
Go back in 6 months.
Hearing/Audiology
Tubes look GREAT!
Hearing test went flawless-no tears and she heard and responded to everything perfectly!!!
Go back in 6 months.
Side note: This was a huge difference from last attempt a few months ago: The 1st go-around she didn't respond to the sounds in part because she couldn't hear them (we believe she really had significant hearing loss due to the amount of fluid in her ears), and also because she was stuck in that crib alone and didn't KNOW to respond to noises. Heartbreaking. I actually had tears running down my cheeks during this 2nd hearing test. In the back of our head, tucked away behind our more pressing needs of her surgery, we were worried she had true hearing loss. To know that she can now hear well was amazing. She was interactive and responsive and SO DIFFERENT than she was a few months ago. I was so overjoyed at how far she had come. Yet it was also bittersweet because how simple was it to place tubes in her ears to allow her to hear better and give her the family she deserves so she knows to respond... there are MILLIONS of kids who will never get this and it makes me so sad.
Vision
Appointment failure. Not because she can't see, but because she didn't cooperate. At all. She screamed. And screamed. We tried to pry her eyes open and they were rolled back into her head!! All the while Sam & Allie were manically pushing each other around in the stroller in the tiny exam room and laughing hysterically.
Somehow through all that the eye doc was able to see that she can see well and her eye muscles are working well. But she was not able to see her retina or the back of her eye at all to get a general feel for her eye health. However, we have no reason to be concerned, so we'll wait.
Go back in 6 months and try again.
Common theme: all is well for now, come back in 6 months. So far here is our list of appointments for the fall:
2 year checkup
plastic surgeon
dentist
ENT/audiologist
eye doc
Coming up: We're getting close to our 6 month gotcha anniversary and 6 months homecoming anniversary! Our social worker comes tonight to check in and write our 6 month follow-up report, which will be submitted to China.
Maggie also has a follow-up appointment at the adoption clinic in a few weeks, they oversee her care and we'll check in with them to see the big picture, which we think looks pretty good for her right now.
Other than that and our Help Me Grow speech/language visits once or twice a month, appointments should slow down for her for a while. I hope!
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Updates on Maggie Fei & Our Crew
Blogging has been put on the back burner as these last couple weeks have been SO busy. We've had a ton of appointments (and more to come). But we have lots of good news to report.
Easter Sunday marked ONE MONTH since her big surgery! Look at her!
Monday we saw her surgeon for a follow up visit. I went in armed with tons of questions and came out giddy with excitement. He is thrilled with how she looks. Said she is healing really well and lifted the last of her restrictions. She's now allowed to eat anything she wants, including sharp and crunchy things. Hallelujah! She can also use a spoon and a fork (not that she can really do this by herself, but still, we were so tired of feeding her with our fingers!). She was also given the okay to start working on using a sippy and straw cup. We've been feeding her liquids either with a syringe or open cup for a month and that's a tiresome job. She has a couple different soft spout sippy cups we're working on with her. She hasn't figure out how to suck yet, but she's very excited about the cups. Hopefully she'll figure them out soon! He said she can try to use a straw too, but said she won't be able to successfully suck from a straw until her palate hardens more, which will take several months.
While her palate is still fairly soft, he said he would be shocked if anything would happen to it at this point such as something poking a hole in it. We've been SO careful that she not put any food or toy in there that could poke a hole, so it feels amazing to let our guard down a bit.
Her lip is still swollen a bit on one side, but he expects that to continue to go down over time. We have to be very careful to use sunscreen on her scars anytime she's outside, as they can get ugly red if they get exposed to the sun. So we're in sunscreen/hat/stroller shade mode big time for the warm weather.
The only bummer is the nose stent. He said we should use it "as long as we can handle it". He said in other countries they recommend using it for 9 months! He originally told us several months, so we're aiming for using it until at least the end of the school year. We also need to work on increasing to the next size, which seems SO much bigger. We've used it some, but the bigger size really hurts her and causes her nose to get very sore, so we just use it for a while and then go back down to the smaller size. Hopefully we'll be able make the complete transition to the bigger size soon. The purpose of the nose stent is two-fold. First, it's to help hold in place the work he did throughout her nose and palate. When we leave it out for a day, her nostrils start to collapse in, as they're not strong enough to hold their shape on their own. So we can see a visible reminder that she really does need the stinking thing right now. Secondly, it's to help stretch out the skin on her nose, as she has very little skin there. He said the more we're able to use it now, the less revisions he'll have to do to her nose later.
Looking ahead, he doesn't have to see her again for 6 months! Whoo-hooo!! Long term, he's hoping she won't need another surgery again until she's 6 or 7!!!! Unbelievable. That will be a big surgery. She'll have to wear a palate expander for a while before that surgery, then he'll connect her palate to the gums behind her front teeth. Although he closed her palate successfully during surgery, it's typical to leave an opening behind her front teeth and not close that until later. I'm not sure why. But due to that, she still does have some liquid sneak out her nose occasionally, although nothing like before. Also during that next surgery, she'll have to have a bone graft. She is missing part of her gumline (and hence no teeth in those areas), so typically what is done is bone is moved from the hip to her mouth to create a complete gumline and provide a place for future dental implants. I've heard the recovery for that procedure is very tough, particularly from having the bone removed from the hip. He'll also revise anything needed to her nose and lip, and probably do some dental work as well, as her teeth are not all really where they should be. So that will be a doozey of a surgery, but thankfully we'll have years before we have to worry about it as long as nothing comes up in the meantime.
Next week she gets to see the dentist, as regular cleanings for a cleft kid are crucial. They are more prone to cavities and decay and avoiding having any teeth pulled is very important. I'm sure she'll just love that (insert sarcasm). Thankfully, our pediatric dentist for all our kids happens to be "the man" at Children's Hospital who teams up with the plastic surgeon for cleft kiddos, so she's in great hands.
We also have to head back to the hospital for a follow up with the ENT to make sure her tubes look okay. If they do, then they're going to try to retest her hearing. We tried to do that before her surgery, and she wasn't able to complete it. We can tell her hearing is much better now that the tubes are helping to keep her ears cleaned out. I'm anxious to find out just how much she does hear. Hearing loss is common with cleft kids since their anatomy is different and they tend to retain a lot of fluid, and it was obvious she didn't hear great before. Hopefully that is resolved with the ear tubes.
She also has to go have her vision checked, one final piece to getting her fully evaluated. That will be another fun appointment, I'm sure (more sarcasm).
She continues to get services from the county a couple times a month to help develop her speech and language skills. Probably by age 3, she'll be needing official speech therapy, but for now we're just trying to build her language foundation and get her communicating. She is starting to use sign language a lot more, she has probably 10-12 signs she's using which has helped SO SO SO much in her being able to communicate to use what she wants instead of just crying. She can sign more, eat, please, thank you, milk, mommy, daddy, all done, etc. and will point to what she wants, which she couldn't do before. These all sound like simple things for an 18 month old, but these are foundational language skills she's lacking due to both her cleft as well as being in an orphanage and not having an opportunity to communicate. Our goal right now is to lay a solid language foundation for her. We're starting to take her to storytime at the library, which she LOVES, especially the songs. Anything with music, this girl is all about it. She loves songs and fingerplays and stories. She starts to sing and dance the second she hears it. I love it.
Her sleep issues are up and down. If we can get on a good schedule for a few days in a row, then she sleeps pretty well. If we get off our schedule, she starts to fight sleep and wake up after really short naps. So we're trying to be really diligent with her schedule right now, for her benefit as well as my sanity!
Things are so much easier now that she can feed herself normal food again. Goodbye arm bands and goodbye syringes!! Getting her to drink continues to be a battle. She still only wants juice or smoothies instead of milk. She had her 18 month checkup this week (yes, we have appointments ALL the time). Our peds said that although she is tiny, she is growing, so she wants us to cut out all juice and smoothies and only offer milk or water at this point. She said she won't dehydrate herself and eventually she'll catch on. In fact, right after that appointment she started to drink more milk, so hopefully we're on the right track. (She also doesn't want her on Pediasure as she doesn't want her to drink her calories. She's growing well enough that we don't need to go that route at this point.)
Here's her current stats:
Weight: 19.4 pounds (12th percentile)
Height: 29.25 inches (less than 2nd percentile)
Head: 17.25 inches (25th percentile)
So she's VERY short and a little chubby since her height is smaller proportionally than her weight. We'll continue to watch her over the next few years, but it's looking like she's just going to be a teeny tiny little lady. She's healthy and unbelievably adorable. She doesn't have to go back to the pediatrician until her 2 year checkup in the fall!!! Yahoo!!
In other news, the boys both had their annual checkups as well. Allie is safe from any doctor's visits at this point (knock on wood!) but we have begun counseling with her at the adoption clinic. She has been struggling with a lot of things for a long time and it's time we get her some help. We're hesitant to share too much about this in an effort to protect her privacy, but she is dealing with a lot of emotional and behavioral issues that we believe are adoption-related that are significantly impacting our daily life. Thankfully we have an amazing resource just for kiddos in her situation close-by, and we're taking full advantage of what they have to offer to help her. It's been very reassuring to hear that she is not alone in this and that there are things we can do to help. We would appreciate prayers and support for our bigger girl.
I'm also trying to volunteer in each of their classrooms a couple of times before the school year is over. I love to be a regular presence in their rooms, but this year that was just not feasible for the most part with everything going on with Maggie. But I'm trying to make it happen a few times before summer is here. They all love it when I show up at school; I know they won't always feel that way so I'm trying to make it happen for now. Plus I love being there; it blows my mind to realize I've been home for over 8 years now; I only taught for 6 years. But I did manage to recently take 2 classes to renew my teaching certificate, so I'm still a certified teacher!!! I'm not even tutoring right now, but it feels good to know I have that option if need be.
Maggie has been home 5 months. She is a different person now than she was before in so many amazing ways. However, since we kept her so close in an effort to promote bonding and then in caring for her after surgery, she is still very clingy to us and very fearful around other people. She has yet to let most other people hold her, she hasn't gone into the nursery at church yet, no babysitters, etc. She's my permanent appendage! Which a great thing that she's bonded so well to us, but I'm looking forward to slowly helping her get a little braver and gain a little more independence over these next few months.
Despite that, as of right now she's seems to be the most laid-back of all our kids. She's very silly and seems to feel very free when we're at home in her comfort zone. She is happy-go-lucky most of the time. If she's fussy, I know something is wrong. She tends to not be fussy just for the sake of being fussy (unlike some of my other children who shall remain nameless).
I'm so thankful those initial weeks after the surgery are over. Those were some hard times. It's definitely easier now, but life is still full-on crazy here. Having four kids this young is "stupid hard" as Jeremy says. It's our new normal and the chaos rarely lets up. Having a child with special needs and another who is struggling emotionally, plus 2 very active boys is draining. It's hard and is going to be for a while. Sometimes I am changing her diaper and wonder how on earth I am still changing diapers...
But to see this gorgeous face, we know it's all worth it!
Easter Sunday marked ONE MONTH since her big surgery! Look at her!
Monday we saw her surgeon for a follow up visit. I went in armed with tons of questions and came out giddy with excitement. He is thrilled with how she looks. Said she is healing really well and lifted the last of her restrictions. She's now allowed to eat anything she wants, including sharp and crunchy things. Hallelujah! She can also use a spoon and a fork (not that she can really do this by herself, but still, we were so tired of feeding her with our fingers!). She was also given the okay to start working on using a sippy and straw cup. We've been feeding her liquids either with a syringe or open cup for a month and that's a tiresome job. She has a couple different soft spout sippy cups we're working on with her. She hasn't figure out how to suck yet, but she's very excited about the cups. Hopefully she'll figure them out soon! He said she can try to use a straw too, but said she won't be able to successfully suck from a straw until her palate hardens more, which will take several months.
While her palate is still fairly soft, he said he would be shocked if anything would happen to it at this point such as something poking a hole in it. We've been SO careful that she not put any food or toy in there that could poke a hole, so it feels amazing to let our guard down a bit.
Her lip is still swollen a bit on one side, but he expects that to continue to go down over time. We have to be very careful to use sunscreen on her scars anytime she's outside, as they can get ugly red if they get exposed to the sun. So we're in sunscreen/hat/stroller shade mode big time for the warm weather.
The only bummer is the nose stent. He said we should use it "as long as we can handle it". He said in other countries they recommend using it for 9 months! He originally told us several months, so we're aiming for using it until at least the end of the school year. We also need to work on increasing to the next size, which seems SO much bigger. We've used it some, but the bigger size really hurts her and causes her nose to get very sore, so we just use it for a while and then go back down to the smaller size. Hopefully we'll be able make the complete transition to the bigger size soon. The purpose of the nose stent is two-fold. First, it's to help hold in place the work he did throughout her nose and palate. When we leave it out for a day, her nostrils start to collapse in, as they're not strong enough to hold their shape on their own. So we can see a visible reminder that she really does need the stinking thing right now. Secondly, it's to help stretch out the skin on her nose, as she has very little skin there. He said the more we're able to use it now, the less revisions he'll have to do to her nose later.
Looking ahead, he doesn't have to see her again for 6 months! Whoo-hooo!! Long term, he's hoping she won't need another surgery again until she's 6 or 7!!!! Unbelievable. That will be a big surgery. She'll have to wear a palate expander for a while before that surgery, then he'll connect her palate to the gums behind her front teeth. Although he closed her palate successfully during surgery, it's typical to leave an opening behind her front teeth and not close that until later. I'm not sure why. But due to that, she still does have some liquid sneak out her nose occasionally, although nothing like before. Also during that next surgery, she'll have to have a bone graft. She is missing part of her gumline (and hence no teeth in those areas), so typically what is done is bone is moved from the hip to her mouth to create a complete gumline and provide a place for future dental implants. I've heard the recovery for that procedure is very tough, particularly from having the bone removed from the hip. He'll also revise anything needed to her nose and lip, and probably do some dental work as well, as her teeth are not all really where they should be. So that will be a doozey of a surgery, but thankfully we'll have years before we have to worry about it as long as nothing comes up in the meantime.
Next week she gets to see the dentist, as regular cleanings for a cleft kid are crucial. They are more prone to cavities and decay and avoiding having any teeth pulled is very important. I'm sure she'll just love that (insert sarcasm). Thankfully, our pediatric dentist for all our kids happens to be "the man" at Children's Hospital who teams up with the plastic surgeon for cleft kiddos, so she's in great hands.
We also have to head back to the hospital for a follow up with the ENT to make sure her tubes look okay. If they do, then they're going to try to retest her hearing. We tried to do that before her surgery, and she wasn't able to complete it. We can tell her hearing is much better now that the tubes are helping to keep her ears cleaned out. I'm anxious to find out just how much she does hear. Hearing loss is common with cleft kids since their anatomy is different and they tend to retain a lot of fluid, and it was obvious she didn't hear great before. Hopefully that is resolved with the ear tubes.
She also has to go have her vision checked, one final piece to getting her fully evaluated. That will be another fun appointment, I'm sure (more sarcasm).
She continues to get services from the county a couple times a month to help develop her speech and language skills. Probably by age 3, she'll be needing official speech therapy, but for now we're just trying to build her language foundation and get her communicating. She is starting to use sign language a lot more, she has probably 10-12 signs she's using which has helped SO SO SO much in her being able to communicate to use what she wants instead of just crying. She can sign more, eat, please, thank you, milk, mommy, daddy, all done, etc. and will point to what she wants, which she couldn't do before. These all sound like simple things for an 18 month old, but these are foundational language skills she's lacking due to both her cleft as well as being in an orphanage and not having an opportunity to communicate. Our goal right now is to lay a solid language foundation for her. We're starting to take her to storytime at the library, which she LOVES, especially the songs. Anything with music, this girl is all about it. She loves songs and fingerplays and stories. She starts to sing and dance the second she hears it. I love it.
Her sleep issues are up and down. If we can get on a good schedule for a few days in a row, then she sleeps pretty well. If we get off our schedule, she starts to fight sleep and wake up after really short naps. So we're trying to be really diligent with her schedule right now, for her benefit as well as my sanity!
Things are so much easier now that she can feed herself normal food again. Goodbye arm bands and goodbye syringes!! Getting her to drink continues to be a battle. She still only wants juice or smoothies instead of milk. She had her 18 month checkup this week (yes, we have appointments ALL the time). Our peds said that although she is tiny, she is growing, so she wants us to cut out all juice and smoothies and only offer milk or water at this point. She said she won't dehydrate herself and eventually she'll catch on. In fact, right after that appointment she started to drink more milk, so hopefully we're on the right track. (She also doesn't want her on Pediasure as she doesn't want her to drink her calories. She's growing well enough that we don't need to go that route at this point.)
Here's her current stats:
Weight: 19.4 pounds (12th percentile)
Height: 29.25 inches (less than 2nd percentile)
Head: 17.25 inches (25th percentile)
So she's VERY short and a little chubby since her height is smaller proportionally than her weight. We'll continue to watch her over the next few years, but it's looking like she's just going to be a teeny tiny little lady. She's healthy and unbelievably adorable. She doesn't have to go back to the pediatrician until her 2 year checkup in the fall!!! Yahoo!!
In other news, the boys both had their annual checkups as well. Allie is safe from any doctor's visits at this point (knock on wood!) but we have begun counseling with her at the adoption clinic. She has been struggling with a lot of things for a long time and it's time we get her some help. We're hesitant to share too much about this in an effort to protect her privacy, but she is dealing with a lot of emotional and behavioral issues that we believe are adoption-related that are significantly impacting our daily life. Thankfully we have an amazing resource just for kiddos in her situation close-by, and we're taking full advantage of what they have to offer to help her. It's been very reassuring to hear that she is not alone in this and that there are things we can do to help. We would appreciate prayers and support for our bigger girl.
I'm also trying to volunteer in each of their classrooms a couple of times before the school year is over. I love to be a regular presence in their rooms, but this year that was just not feasible for the most part with everything going on with Maggie. But I'm trying to make it happen a few times before summer is here. They all love it when I show up at school; I know they won't always feel that way so I'm trying to make it happen for now. Plus I love being there; it blows my mind to realize I've been home for over 8 years now; I only taught for 6 years. But I did manage to recently take 2 classes to renew my teaching certificate, so I'm still a certified teacher!!! I'm not even tutoring right now, but it feels good to know I have that option if need be.
Maggie has been home 5 months. She is a different person now than she was before in so many amazing ways. However, since we kept her so close in an effort to promote bonding and then in caring for her after surgery, she is still very clingy to us and very fearful around other people. She has yet to let most other people hold her, she hasn't gone into the nursery at church yet, no babysitters, etc. She's my permanent appendage! Which a great thing that she's bonded so well to us, but I'm looking forward to slowly helping her get a little braver and gain a little more independence over these next few months.
Despite that, as of right now she's seems to be the most laid-back of all our kids. She's very silly and seems to feel very free when we're at home in her comfort zone. She is happy-go-lucky most of the time. If she's fussy, I know something is wrong. She tends to not be fussy just for the sake of being fussy (unlike some of my other children who shall remain nameless).
I'm so thankful those initial weeks after the surgery are over. Those were some hard times. It's definitely easier now, but life is still full-on crazy here. Having four kids this young is "stupid hard" as Jeremy says. It's our new normal and the chaos rarely lets up. Having a child with special needs and another who is struggling emotionally, plus 2 very active boys is draining. It's hard and is going to be for a while. Sometimes I am changing her diaper and wonder how on earth I am still changing diapers...
But to see this gorgeous face, we know it's all worth it!
kite-flying
Yea for spring! Our first meal outside this year.
We recently had a dear friend go to Korea and bring back some amazing keepsakes for Allie. This is so special to her and to us, since we didn't have the opportunity to go there ourselves.
We're so thankful!
Why is this so cute??
Allie teaches Maggie all about the Easter Bunny.
This is what I call a "reality shot". Look at Sam's face!
Getting some reading done before game time...
and playtime for the girls.
Cousin Vaida came to meet Maggie for the first time!
They are only a few weeks apart in age. They were so cute together!
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